


Null and Void

by ardett



Series: Memento [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Blankgameplays - Freeform, Crying, Ethan Nestor Egos, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Quarantine, References to Depression, Reunions, Strained Friendships, Unus Annus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24664558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Mark has always thought that Ethan had a thick skin. He's also worried about Ethan's frequent memory loss.The two are more related than he ever imagined.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: Memento [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783306
Comments: 56
Kudos: 315





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't at me, I saw their video about how teasing and bantering is a part of their friendship but this is just for the fun and angst and also, that's not how I treat my friends personally so there's that
> 
> beta-ed by [dirade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dirade/pseuds/Dirade), if you think my stuff is any good, you absolutely must check out her writing!

155:00:00:00

There’s a few things Mark has noticed about Ethan over the time he’s known him. 

First, he’s a pretty positive person. Unrelentingly so sometimes. It seems like nothing can keep Ethan down for long. Of course Mark has seen him cry before but it’s usually on command or because he saw some sad dog post, not for anything serious. If Mark really thinks about it, he’s never seen Ethan genuinely devastated about something.

Second, he spaces out easily. Maybe he’s just daydreaming, Mark can’t be sure, but sometimes he’ll catch Ethan looking off camera, face lax, hands still, eyes… blank. For someone he knows has a hard time staying still, it can be disconcerting. Sometimes Ethan’s so quiet. Too quiet.

Third, his memory can be spotty. It always seems to happen after Ethan drifts and when he comes back to himself, he needs to be reminded of what they’re doing. Sometimes Ethan has these weird gaps where he doesn’t remember anything. Mark wants to dismiss it as a couple of flukes, like walking into a room and immediately forgetting the reason for being there, but it’s happened more than a couple times. It seems to happen even more when they’re filming. 

He’s tried to bring it up to Ethan once or twice but he thinks Ethan’s forgotten those conversations.

-

Mark doesn’t want to dwell on it too much but he thinks Unus Annus might be making it worse.

-

They’re sitting in the car together, prepping for their sausage making video, when Ethan leans closer to him, grinning for the camera, and insists, “Touch your cheek to my cheek, come on.”

“Get the fuck away from me, I hate you so much,” Mark mutters, face squished up against the seatbelt, as far away from Ethan as he can be.

“Don’t you love me?” Ethan’s smile doesn’t falter yet but maybe it wavers, just barely.

Mark doesn’t hesitate. “No.”

“Tell me you love me,” Ethan pouts.

“Amy, help.” Mark looks to the camera.

“Amy, tell him he loves me,” Ethan whines. She laughs, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

Mark feels Ethan’s heat recede as he slumps back into the driver’s seat. “You know you do, come on,” Ethan says as he buckles his seatbelt. 

Ethan’s hand slips to the gear shift but he doesn’t move the car into reverse. It takes a good ten seconds for Mark to realize Ethan isn’t even trying to pull out of the driveway. He’s just sitting there, other hand frozen on the steering wheel, gaze focused just above the dashboard. Is he waiting?

“Alright, fine,” Mark relents. “You’re okay, I guess. Can we go now?”

Ethan blinks. Is there… is there something wet gathered on his eyelashes? He wipes at his eyes before Mark can get a good look.

“What?” Ethan asks. He reaches for his seatbelt again before realizing it’s already buckled. Mark watches him abort the motion too far in to make it look like anything else.

“Is that why you weren’t going? To make a point?” Mark tilts his head, trying to read Ethan’s expression.

“What? No, I’m literally about to pull out right now, why’re you so impatient? Sweet of you to say that though. I love you too, buddy,” Ethan smirks at him. Mark would smile back, or maybe tease Ethan, but he thinks this is one of those memory lapses again. Ethan’s next statement confirms it. “Besides, don’t we have to wait for Amy to—”

“I’m right here, Ethan.” Amy waves from the back.

“Oh, wow, I totally didn’t even see you get in,” Ethan laughs. “Okay cool, let’s go!”

As Ethan starts driving them, Mark shares a look with Amy. She shrugs.

He’s just forgetful, Mark tells himself. Just a little forgetful.

-

They’re in the middle of filming the video when Mark says to Ethan, “You wonder why I say don’t touch me. You honestly wonder.”

Ethan’s looking into the fridge so Mark can’t see his face as he hums, “Hm.” There’s a slight pause. “You don’t say that though.”

Mark’s head jerks up as he double takes. He raises an eyebrow. “Pretty sure I do actually. Or do you not remember all the times I told you to leave me alone?”

“I don’t actually.” Ethan’s still sifting through the food. He doesn’t sound particularly worried at all, not like how Mark’s stomach is starting to knot. “Maybe you need to be louder. You’re a pretty timid guy, you know,” Ethan jokes.

Mark turns to face him. “Ethan, do you seriously not remember? This has been a running bit for a few of our videos.”

“What’s the big deal, dude?” Ethan brings his food past Mark to put it on the counter. “It’s all going to be deleted anyway.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” Mark’s words come out a bit too aggressive. 

Ethan’s brow furrows, mouth turning down in a frown. “What are you worried about then?”

Even Amy’s giving him a weird look now. So Mark doesn’t make his best decision. He drops it.

“Never mind. Forget about it.”

-

Mark didn’t mean to blow up at Ethan for messing up their posting schedule. He was just so frustrated. He felt the tension building under his skin for hours when Ethan took off on his plane and texted Mark that he didn’t have time to get around to finishing their video and couldn’t Mark just fix up the last part of it?

Mark didn’t mean to yell, really he didn’t, but how could Ethan just leave this to Mark when Mark already did so much for the channel and for Ethan and why would Ethan agree to this if he didn’t think he could commit and how is Mark going to trust that Ethan can be reliable after this and doesn’t Ethan understand that the unique circumstances of this channel depend on being able to trust in each other?

Yeah, Mark probably shouldn’t have said any of that out loud to Ethan. And he definitely shouldn’t have snarled it over the phone, teeth bared and ready to rip out the other boy’s throat.

He regretted it later, after the video had gone up and it was all settled with an explanatory tweet. He texted Ethan an apology which was quickly accepted. Then he figured, why not get some content out of it all?

-

Mark floats out the idea to Ethan the next time they’re together filming again. “What do you think about doing a video of me punishing you? We could even do it today, pretty low budget and set up. We just have to think of a couple good lines.”

“Sure, yeah, if you think it’ll be good content.” Ethan gives him a funny look, the bridge of his nose wrinkling. “What are you supposed to be punishing me for? Is this, like, a sadism thing to prove you’re not a masochist?” 

“No, dude! How many times do I have to say I’m not a fucking masochist?” Mark rolls his eyes. “No, this is obviously about the time you dumped an unfinished video on me to upload. I’m still a little pissed about that, you know.”

Mark pulls up a page to start jotting down scripting notes. Ethan has stilled besides him. His hand, which had been worrying at a scratch on Mark’s desk, has gone lax.

“So what happened again? Remind me.” His demand comes out a little harsh so Mark keeps the tone of his next words teasing. “You edit the video, then text me at four in the morning that you’re taking off for Maine, but haven’t gotten the title or description done yet. Oh, and you changed the channel password. Am I forgetting anything?”

Mark glances over at Ethan and for a split second, Ethan’s eyes look completely dark. Black. It’s gone before Mark can even register it properly. Just a trick of light.

“I, um— No, I don’t think so. I don’t really… Yeah, I’m sure that’s everything.” Ethan crosses his arms over his chest, everything about his posture reading defensive. His face is pinched and confused.

Mark pauses his typing. “You okay? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I’m not actually angry. Well, not anymore at least.”

Ethan shakes his head. “No, it’s… No, yeah, it’s fine.”

“Okay, if you say so.” Mark gives Ethan a moment to change his mind but as he watches, Ethan’s expression smooths out and his arms drop back to his sides. He starts picking at Mark’s desk again. He doesn’t seem bothered at all.

-

They’ve just finished filming their next video, Mark Punishes Ethan. It took a couple of takes, mostly because one of them was laughing, but Mark thinks they’ve got enough footage to cobble together something decent.

He’s turning off the camera when Ethan comments, “You really went in on me there.” There’s a hint of a laugh in his voice, so Mark doesn’t take it too seriously.

“You think it’ll be too much for the video?” Mark asks as he turns the main lights back on. “I was thinking of splicing in some of the lattannus contest pictures to break it up. I don’t think it’ll be that long anyway.”

“No, I meant all your ad libbing.” Ethan grabs the fluorescent light from under the chair. It paints the highlights of his face red. “You were really just making stuff up on the spot.”

Mark turns to face him. “What the hell are you talking about? We literally just wrote out the script for this!”

“I know, I know.” Ethan holds up a hand to placate him.

Mark feels a burst of unreasonable relief. “Okay then—”

“But for the script in the first place, you really went for me, that’s all I’m saying,” Ethan states. Mark’s breath catches in his lungs.

Mark’s nails dig into his palm as he asks, “Ethan, do you remember getting that video out late? How I had to finish uploading it for you? The whole reason we did this punishment video?”

Ethan’s mouth twists. “No. Should I? Was it a while ago because if it was, I don’t know why you’re expecting me to remember every detail.”

It wasn’t a while ago. It was last week.

Mark almost says that, almost confesses to Ethan. But then he remembers the way he yelled and the way Ethan had been silent on the other end, just listening to Mark berate him. He knows how bad he felt after that call and he can only imagine Ethan feeling the same way or worse.

Maybe it would be better for Ethan to forget this one. Maybe it would be better for both of them.

“Yeah.” There’s a cold, hard coil in Mark’s stomach. “I guess I shouldn’t expect you to remember.”

-

There are other moments here and there where Mark sees it again, where he worries again, but nothing quite as extreme as the day after their pepper spray video.

-

Getting pepper sprayed was terrible. They were warned it would be but Mark didn’t think he was quite prepared for how terrible the experience would actually be. The amount of long lasting pain coupled with how tense his whole body was exhausted him. As soon as they got home, Mark was in bed.

He still felt it the next day, a distinct heat on the skin near his eyes and persistent ache in his neck. He stumbles downstairs an hour later than usual and is just starting to collect himself when he hears a knock on the door.

He walks over and blinks when he opens it to see Ethan on the other side.

The other boy is in just as bad shape as he is, face still noticeably blotchy and movements stiff.

“Morning,” Ethan says, walking past Mark. “Sorry I’m a little late. I woke up feeling so bad this morning and my alarm didn’t go off and I just— I don’t know if I caught something or what, I just feel so crappy. Maybe I’m just really nervous about this pepper spray video.” He slumps into a chair. “It’s too late to back out, right? I mean, I don’t want to make excuses but.”

Mark swallows. He tries to understand what he’s hearing. It feels like he’s underwater, like everything has been slowed down and muffled.

“Ethan,” he croaks. His throat is sore. “What day do you think it is?”

Ethan squints at him. “Wednesday. Why?”

Mark feels cold creeping up his spine. “It’s not Wednesday. Ethan, it’s Thursday.”

“No, it’s not, dude. Stop messing with me.” Ethan’s getting agitated, Mark can see it. He’s fidgeting and not making eye contact.

“I’m not messing with you. Check your phone.”

Ethan hesitates but after another nod from Mark, he checks the date on his phone. His eyes go wide and the phone almost slips from his hand.

“Oh— Oh my god, holy shit. Did— Did I miss the video? Did I just— I don’t even remember what I was doing yesterday! Why didn’t you call me or— or just come knock my door down? Fuck, we’ll have to reschedule it now. Mark, I’m so sor—”

Mark watches Ethan spiral and the pit in his stomach grows. He doesn’t think Ethan’s ever lost this much time before. Or maybe he has, how would Mark know? Who’s paying attention to all the memories Ethan’s forgetting if no one is there to remind him? Who knows what moments of Ethan’s life are gone forever?

Mark can’t believe it. He can’t.

“Ethan, Ethan, stop!” Ethan pauses mid-apology, chest heaving and halfway into a panic attack. Mark takes a seat next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. You didn’t miss it. Just take a deep breath, okay? What’s the last thing you remember?”

Ethan sucks in a gulp of air and lets it out slowly. His voice is small. “Going to bed on Tuesday.”

“Okay. Okay.” Mark runs his hand up and down Ethan’s arm. He can feel him shaking. “That’s okay. The reason you’re feeling so bad is because we filmed the pepper spray video yesterday. Wednesday. I can show you the footage, if you want. Maybe it’ll help jog your memory.”

He helps a dazed Ethan to his feet and walks him to the recording room. As they watch the footage through, Mark keeps an eye on Ethan. His teeth are digging into his lip. He looks worried. By the time the video is finished, he looks terrified.

“I don’t remember any of this. Mark, why can’t I remember this?” His volume starts to rise. His hands grip at the desk.

“I don’t know. I— I don’t think this is the first time you’ve forgotten something important. Ethan, please, I think this might be something serious—” 

Mark has tried to have this conversation before and Ethan has always dismissed it but he can see how scared Ethan is this time. Maybe he can finally convince him to go to the doctor, take some kind of medicine, anything to fix this.

“I— I need to sit down— I can’t—” Ethan collapses onto the couch and buries his face in his hands. His breaths wheeze between his fingers.

Mark sees Ethan’s trembling intensify, hears his gasps start to speed up. He’s paralyzed. He doesn’t know what to do. 

But then, like the flick of a switch, Ethan goes completely still. His breathing evens out. His hands drop away from his face and he smiles up at Mark.

“Hey Mark, what’s up?” Ethan glances around the room, eyes widening. “Wow, I must have totally zoned out. I don’t even remember coming to your house.” He laughs to himself before turning back to Mark. “We must have been filming something, right? What was it?”

Mark stares at him. Every trace of the anxiety that had been there a second ago is gone. It’s like the world fell apart right in front of him and he doesn’t even know what he could have done to stop it.

The only sign that anything happened at all is the dark stains on Ethan’s hands. Mark has no idea where they’re from.

“I… We…” Mark’s voice falls to a whisper. “Ethan, I’m worried about you.”

“About what?” Ethan chirps, cocking his head to the side.

Mark opens his mouth but the words aren’t there. He can’t describe the slinking fear crawling around inside him. What makes someone except their memories? Who is Ethan if he can’t remember his own thoughts?

But Mark doesn’t know how to say it out loud. So he doesn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Ethan are forced to quarantine separately.

COVID-19 sweeps through the country. California orders people to stay at home. They’re quarantined apart from each other.

-

Mark knows Ethan’s having a hard time in quarantine. He knows it.

Ethan is such a natural extrovert. He thrives off being with other people; Mark knows this. 

Mark isn’t the same way. He’s taking this time to hit the grindstone harder, delve deeper into projects, and to center himself and his values. He feels grounded in a peculiar way, trusting that eventually things will get better and that he has the opportunity to rediscover parts of himself that may have gotten lost.

He can see Ethan struggling though and that hurts. He tries to get Ethan to open up about how he’s feeling but Ethan won’t talk about it for long. He’s even more distractible than before and whenever he actually does seem to focus, he insists that he and Mark start filming. Even from just their calls, Mark can feel the anxiety radiating from Ethan, this nervous energy that demands that he work relentlessly but only makes him feel worse while he’s doing it. 

Mark knows Ethan is miserable when they film. He sees it when he rewatches their uploads. He opens the door for Ethan to talk but Ethan hangs up as soon as they’re done filming. Their videos are getting shorter and shorter as Mark fights for each word and joke. He hears Ethan sigh at the end of every call, sees the way he wilts right before he disconnects. Ethan is exhausted.

He murmurs it to Amy late one night before they go to sleep and she kisses him on the cheek, saying she’ll text Kathryn the next day.

Mark can’t know exactly how the conversation went but the next time he calls Ethan, his mood is noticeably different.

-

_ “Hey, Mark!” _ Ethan chirps.

“Hey, buddy.” Mark gives a tentative smile to the screen. “How you feeling?”

_ “I’m good, I’m great! Yeah,” _ Ethan glances away from the camera. For one second, the grin falls off his face. Then Ethan’s looking back at him, smile blinding as he smudges something dark away from his eyes.  _ “I’m getting so much more engagement on my channel and on Twitch, it’s kind of crazy.” _

“Yeah, I’m sure people are looking for something to do.” Mark winces as he hears his words out loud. Maybe that was too dismissive. He doesn’t want to treat Ethan like he’s fragile but there’s a bud of worry nestled deep in his chest.

Ethan waves a hand. “ _ People are always looking for something to do. At least they’re looking at my stuff.” _

“Okay but—” Mark cuts himself off before he mentions the pandemic again, a sure fire way for Ethan to stop wanting to talk to him. “Actually nevermind. Did you… Did you talk to Kathryn?” he tries to breach the subject gently.

_ “We talk all the time. We literally live together, Mark.” _ Ethan picks up his rubik cube and starts fiddling with it.

Mark was worried that being confronted by Kathryn might be… traumatizing. But Ethan seems unbothered by it and weirdly unbothered by the entire situation when literally days ago Mark saw him almost have a breakdown while they were filming. The dramatic flip is unsettling and Mark feels like he’s walking in circles, trying to delicately find out what’s wrong while not triggering fear. Meanwhile, Ethan’s suddenly made a miraculous emotional recovery.

“You didn’t… talk about anything in particular? Did she, I don’t know, help with anything?” Mark leans a little closer to the screen.

_ “Who?” _ Ethan looks up at him. His pupils are blown wide. His eyes look unusually dark.

“Kathryn,” Mark states. His grip on his mouse tightens.

“ _ What about her?” _ Ethan blinks and his video feed cuts out. 

Mark flinches back. “Ethan? You still there?” He hears a sniffle but before he can try anything to fix their call, Ethan’s video pops back up.

Ethan’s leaning his head on the heel of his palm, long sleeves pulled down his knuckles. The edges of the fabric look like they’re stained with ink. They look like they’re still wet.

_ “Sorry, you froze for a second,” _ Ethan laughs.  _ “What were you saying?” _

Mark talks through the thick feeling in his throat. “I was asking if you’ve talked to Kathryn.”

_ “We talk all the time,” _ Ethan sighs, rolling his eyes.  _ “We literally live together, Mark.” _

Mark closes his eyes, squeezes them shut. The air is stuck in his lungs. He can’t cry, he can’t. Ethan needs him right now. Ethan needs him to be strong.

Mark’s hands clench at the edge of his desk.

He’s powerless to help Ethan. He doesn’t know what’s wrong. Ethan won’t remember something being wrong. He can’t even reach Ethan right now. 

He brings up a hand to cover his mouth and chokes back a sob. The panic and powerlessness sweep over him and all the stress of not knowing about Ethan and the world and the disease and his friend crush in over him.

_ “Mark, are you okay? Are— Are you crying?” _

Mark takes a deep, shuddering breath. He tries to blink away the tears starting to burn in his eyes.

Ethan’s a blur before him. His face looks smeared, distorted. His eyes look black.

Mark is about to try and speak when Ethan repeats, “ _ Mark, are you okay? Are— Are you crying?”  _

It’s like a skipping disc. The inflection, the tone, the expression, it’s all exactly the same. It’s chilling.

Mark shakes his head and wipes at his face. He has to think clearly, he has to pull it together.

“Ethan—” he rasps.

_ “Mark, are you okay? It looks like you were crying.” _

Mark’s heart feels like it’s being ripped from his body.

“Ethan, listen to me, you have to see a doctor, okay? You’re forgetting things as soon as they’re happening. Please, you have to see someone.” Mark tries to put everything he has into the words, all his fear and desperation.

Ethan scoffs but he’s clearly uncomfortable. He crosses his arms and uncrosses them as he stammers,  _ “What the hell are you talking about? I would know if I was forgetting stuff.” _

“No, you wouldn’t because you would forget it!” Mark yells. His next word wavers, god, he has to hold it together, “ _ Please _ .”

Ethan shakes his head. He’s not looking into the camera anymore.  _ “No, no, I— I can’t. I can’t even go to hospitals right now. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” _

“You— fuck,” Mark curses because Ethan’s right. It’s dangerous to go out for any medical care right now. “Then can you tell Kathryn? Just… tell her I’m worried about you. I am worried about you. She can help you make sure you don’t forget things.”

Ethan hesitates, biting his lip.  _ “She’s busy, I don’t want to—” _

“Please, Ethan. I’m really fucking worried about you. Just tell her. For me?” Mark holds his breath until Ethan finally, finally nods.

_ “Alright. Fine. I’ll do it when we’re done recor—” _

“Do it now.”

_ “Are you serious?” _ Ethan huffs.

“I’m dead serious.”

Ethan rolls his eyes but gets up.  _ “Okay, okay, I’m going, I’ll be right back.” _ Ethan walks out of the room but the tension in Mark’s chest doesn’t loosen.

As soon as he gets back, Mark asks, “Did you do it?”

Ethan scowls.  _ “Yeah, sure, I did whatever you wanted, get off my back. We need to film, right? It’s way later than I thought it was.” _

Mark waits for the relief but it never comes. He can’t push anymore but he doesn’t believe Ethan.

-

He asks Amy to check with Kathryn when Ethan hangs up. Kathryn texts back and says she hasn’t talked to him all day.

“I’m gonna call her,” Mark resolves when he sees Amy’s concerned look.

He grabs his phone and dials her number.

_ “Hey, Mark,” _ Kathryn’s voice crackles through the speaker.

“Hi, Kathryn.” Mark starts pacing. His hand comes up to tangle in his hair. “So Ethan didn’t come up to talk to you?”

_ “No, we haven’t talked since yesterday. I mean, I saw him come up for a second but he went back downstairs pretty quickly. I don’t think he even grabbed anything so I’m not sure what he was looking for.” _

“Shit,” Mark curses. “I told him to come and talk to you but I think he forgot. Or maybe he didn’t want to. He didn’t seem too happy about it honestly.”

_ “Is this about him not doing okay in quarantine? I did talk to him about that but he didn’t really take it too well.” _

Mark pauses. Amy glances up at him, worried. He shakes his head. “Kind of. What do you mean he didn’t take it well?”

_ “He just seemed freaked out. Or… I don’t know. He would be really nervous and then he would just look so out of it and tired. I… Don’t tell him I told you this but I think he was trying not to cry.” _

A lump grows in Mark’s throat as he pictures that. Ethan usually bounces back so quickly. He makes it easy not to worry about him but now it seems like all Mark can do is worry and wonder what happened all those other times Mark didn’t see Ethan’s pain.

“What about after your talk? Did he seem okay?” Mark forces himself to ask.

_ “He was in his room for a while. I didn’t want to pressure him into talking again. Do you think I should—” _

“Well, that’s actually not exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. I think Ethan’s forgetting stuff. I don’t know why or if something’s triggering it but I’m starting to get really worried.”

_ “He’s always been a little forgetful. Remember when he used to edit for you? He would forget you filmed stuff together and then be surprised when he went through the footage.” _

“This is different. This is— Wait, did he? He used to forget the stuff we filmed?” Mark searches back and now that Kathryn’s mentioned it, he does vaguely remember Ethan joking while editing that he barely remembers doing something.

For some reason, he thinks of Ethan laughing and saying how he didn’t remember Mark saying that to him. He tries to recall if the laugh was genuine.

_ “Not saying you shouldn’t worry about him, Mark,” _ Kathryn continues.  _ “But it’s nothing that new.” _

Mark slumps back against the wall, all his momentum stopped. “Do you think I’m overreacting?” His gaze slides over to meet Amy’s. She shrugs.

He had been so sure in the moment that something was wrong but what if he’s exaggerating it? What if quarantine is getting to him too and he’s making things out to be bigger than they are? What if Ethan was just repeating himself because he thought Mark didn’t hear him or something like that?

Ethan’s right anyway. It’s not like he can go to the hospital right now and Mark can’t visit him. There’s nothing Mark can do.

Mark sighs. “Can you just keep an eye on him? Just… I don’t know. Make sure he’s okay?”

_ “Of course. Stay safe.” _

“You too.” Mark hears the beep as Kathryn hangs up.

He drops his phone on the counter and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. He feels Amy gently draw his hands away.

“You have to take care of yourself too,” she murmurs.

“I’m not the one who needs to be taken care of.”

“I think you’re a lot more worried about this than Ethan is. I’m just saying,” Amy remarks. “He’ll be fine, Mark. He’s an adult.”

Mark thinks that the reason he’s more worried is because Ethan can’t even remember what he has to be worried about. He’s so tired though. So instead he says, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

-

They film more videos. 

Time goes on. 

The pandemic isn’t abating. 

\- 

Mark keeps an eye out but he hasn’t seen another severe lapse in Ethan’s memory. 

Ethan complains about pounding headaches and lightheadedness. 

California is still on lockdown.

-

Mark watches Ethan stream and film and drink.

Ethan misses one of their calls and doesn’t realize until Mark texts him.

It’s been 3 weeks.

-

Ethan tweets about being lonely but won’t talk to Mark about it.

Mark starts texting Ethan every day to make sure he takes his antidepressants.

They haven’t seen each other face to face in over a month.

-

It’s a Friday afternoon when Ethan calls Mark the first time.

-

“What’s up, man?” Mark greets Ethan as he picks up.

_ “Hey,”  _ Ethan’s voice rasps.  _ “Aren’t we filming today for our channel?” _

“It’s Friday,” Mark murmurs. He tries to keep his voice soft. “We film on Thursdays.”

_ “Oh. Is it Friday?”  _ There’s rustling on the other end of the call.

“Yeah, bud. We filmed yesterday. Do…” Mark grips his phone a little tighter. “Do you remember what we did?”

_ “Yeah, yeah, course,”  _ Ethan answers absently. Mark can tell from his tone that he’s about to hang up.

“What did we film?” Mark presses before Ethan gets the chance.

_ “I, um… We…” _ There’s another sniffle, just like when Ethan’s screen blacked out during their call. Ethan’s next words come out stilted, flat, “ _ We talked about the moon and the ocean.” _

There’s something off about Ethan’s tone. All the emotion is stripped from the words, even the exhausted affect. It’s just a blank slate.

“Eth? Are you—”

_ “I have to go,” _ Ethan says in the same voice.

Mark hears the beep and looks down at his screen to see that Ethan hung up on him.

-

It’s a Saturday afternoon when Ethan calls Mark the second time.

-

_ “Did I call you yesterday?”  _ Ethan asks before Mark can greet him. 

“You did. You thought it was Thursday. Do you remember?” Mark’s hand curls over his knee.

_ “I… sort of. I wanted to call you and… then… I saw that I called you yesterday.” _ Ethan’s words are slow, distracted. Like his attention is split between Mark and someone else.  _ “But I was looking at my call history and…” _ Ethan trails off.

After a few seconds, Mark prompts, “And?”

_ “What?” _ Ethan jolts.  _ “Oh sorry, I was saying, um, just saying that it looked like I called you on Thursday and… I thought… I…” _

“We talked on Friday,” Mark murmurs. “Not Thursday.”

_ “Right… right, yeah, um,” _ There’s an almost inaudible whine coming from Ethan. Mark closes his eyes, trying to listen.

“Ethan? Are you okay?”

_ “I… I’m here. I just have the worst… the worst headache,”  _ There’s a groan, deep and pained.  _ “I’m trying to… to think through it. What was I saying?” _

“You wanted to call me. What did you want to tell me?”

_ “I… We… We should… I should go.” _

“Wait, Ethan—”

But he’s already gone.

-

It’s a Sunday afternoon when Ethan calls Mark the third time.

-

Mark’s ready this time. He’s emotionally braced himself for the inevitable moment when Ethan starts to forget. He’s already reasoned with himself that he can’t go to see Ethan, that Kathryn is there looking out for him, and he’s desperately trying to come to terms with his powerlessness.

When Ethan calls, Mark picks up immediately. 

“Hi, Ethan.” He keeps his tone light.

_ ‘“Mark, hey! What’s up?”  _ Ethan’s voice peaks through Mark’s phone.

“Not much. What’s up with you?” Mark responds, voice neutral.

_ “Well,”  _ Ethan sighs and Mark hears a soft tapping.  _ “I just wanted to apologize for hanging up on you the other day. The other two days, I guess.” _

“Oh,” Mark breathes out, surprised. 

Ethan must interpret it as irritation though because he starts explaining,  _ “It’s not you. I mean, obviously. I’ve been getting these terrible migraines and I’ve just… Time has been flying in quarantine is all I’m saying. I’m not really at the top of my game. I’ve been trying to take some time for myself.” _

“Of course. Take all the time you need, man.”

Relief courses through Mark. Ethan seems to remember their calls. Maybe the time Ethan’s spending on himself is paying off.

Then Ethan says,  _ “I can’t believe it’s been, like, a week.” _

“A week?” Mark repeats. The calendar on his wall stares back at him.

_ “Yeah. I guess it’s not that long but I’m so used to seeing you all the time now for our channel,”  _ Ethan’s voice crackles. 

“Etha—”

Ethan cuts him off.  _ “Sorry, hold on a second, I need to grab a tissue.”  _ Ethan’s voice drops to a mutter that Mark probably isn’t supposed to hear.  _ “I don’t know why my eyes keep watering. Where are— okay, great.”  _ There’s the muted sound of fabric and movement before Ethan questions,  _ “Alright, what were you saying, Mark?” _

“It’s been five weeks,” Mark states.

_ “Yeah, sure feels like it.” _

“No, Ethan, I mean it’s actually been five weeks,” Mark insists. “You remember, don’t you? Tell me you remember.”

_ “Of course I remember. Jeez, relax. All I’m saying is that it’s crazy it’s been over a month.” _

Mark’s head spins. “Over a month?”

_ “Yes! Are you even listening to me?”  _ Ethan complains.

“That’s not what you said,” Mark points out but suddenly he’s not so sure.

_ “When?” _

“The first time, just a second ago. That’s not what you said,” Mark restates. “You said you couldn’t believe it’s been a week.”

_ “I think you misheard me,”  _ Ethan dismisses.

“I don’t—”

_ “Or maybe I misspoke, whatever. Don’t think so hard about it, Mark. Chill out.”  _ Mark flinches at the annoyance in Ethan’s voice. He sounds almost aggressive. Defensive.

“Okay, okay. Forget I said anything.” Mark thinks to himself that the funny part is that Ethan probably will.

-

Ethan calls him a few more times but for the most part, it seems like he’s keeping enough of his memories to remember things if Mark leads him there.

There’s couple unsettling constants in their calls. Pounding headaches, general exhaustion, Ethan’s watering eyes and sniffling. Mark keeps thinking that Ethan is crying but Ethan assures him he isn’t, explaining it away as allergies or dust in his eyes. Ethan’s lighting is also so dark. It casts his face in strange shadows sometimes.

-

Finally, California’s restrictions start to lift.

-

This time, Mark calls Ethan first. 

_ “Hey, man,” _ Ethan greets when he picks up.

“Hey. So you saw that restrictions are being lifted in the next couple of days for small gatherings?” Mark grabs a pen and starts tapping it on the counter, just for something to do with his hands.

_ “Yeah, I saw that.” _

“So?” Mark prompts.

_ “So what?” _

“So you can come over soon. If you want to.” Mark might sound a little too eager but he’s almost buzzing with nervous energy at the thought of finally seeing Ethan again, the thought of making sure he’s okay with his own eyes.

_ “Oh. Oh yeah. I didn’t even think… but of course, yeah, we should start filming together again.”  _ Ethan doesn’t sound particularly invigorated. 

Mark tries to rein himself in. “Only if you feel comfortable, dude. Amy and I have been trying to be safe but I understand if you’re nervous. I would love to see you though.”

_ “No, I want to see you too,”  _ Ethan reassures him.  _ “I don’t know why I’m like… I’m excited. Really, I am. I’ll see you on Thursday then?” _

“Yeah, just come by at our usual time. See you soon!”

_ “See you soon.” _

Mark smiles at his phone as Ethan hangs up. Maybe things are finally about to start turning around.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some posting issues, if you happened to get this in your inbox twice :)

“Hey, Mark!” Ethan bounds into Mark’s house. He’s not wearing a mask.

Mark is surprised as Ethan gives him an easy fist bump. He thought Ethan’s reluctance was because he was worried about getting sick or spreading the virus but he seems uncharacteristically nonchalant about the whole thing.

“It’s good to see you again, man.” Mark tries to put everything he doesn’t say out loud into those few words, how much he worried for Ethan, how much he missed him, how heart warming it is to see someone else after all this time spent cooped up.

Ethan gives him a funny look. “Good to see you too? You feeling okay?” Ethan grins.

Mark is a little hurt that Ethan is taking this all so casually. Not just for the health risks they’re taking by being together but also because it’s been hard for everyone, himself and Ethan included, and Ethan doesn’t seem to want to address that at all. Mark hesitates to even ask Ethan how he’s been feeling after the other boy’s subtle rebuke.

“Yeah, I’m— I’m fine. We don’t have to get too emotional about it, I guess.” Mark shakes himself off and starts walking to his backdoor. “I was thinking we could film outside. For more safety and everything.”

“I still don’t know what we’re doing but sure,” Ethan laughs, following him.

Mark frowns but Ethan doesn’t see it behind him. He really meant safer for health and virus reasons, not for video content reasons, but it seems like Ethan has just decided for both of them that they’re just going to be isolating together.

“Are you not going to take that off?” Ethan interjects as they walk into the backyard.

Mark turns to face him. “Take off what?”

“You know, your whole…” Ethan gestures to his own face, clearly asking if Mark is going to take off the mask he put on right before Ethan walked in. “Were you cleaning or something?”

“No.” Mark gives Ethan an incredulous look. “I’m wearing this for you.”

Ethan’s nose wrinkles. “Why? Are you sick?”

Now Mark’s starting to get annoyed. He hears it seep into his tone. “Well, I don’t know. That’s part of the problem. Honestly, dude, I’m surprised you’re not wearing one.”

Ethan scowls defensively. “I’m not sick though. I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. If you weren’t feeling good, we could have just pushed back filming a couple days.”

Mark gapes at him. 

He knows for a fact that Ethan has been wearing a mask when he goes out. He knows that Ethan was appalled that people weren’t wearing masks when he was walking Spencer. To have Ethan suddenly so dismissive of an actual pandemic is more than jarring, it’s horrifying.

(And Mark should have stopped for a second to think about why Ethan would flip his opinion so abruptly but he didn’t. He didn’t.)

“What the hell are you talking about? Making such a big deal out of this? We are literally in a pandemic! People are dying! Have you not been watching the news at all? I’m wearing a mask to fucking protect you and you just walk in here, no mask, fist bump, touching everything, because you don’t think you’re sick? You have no idea if you’re a carrier, if you’re asymptotic. Hell, I don’t know if I am! No one does. That’s why I’m trying to be safe. I wanted to see you because it’s been three months and I missed you but if you don’t care at all, fucking go home and we’ll keep doing quarantine videos until this channel dies.”

Mark’s breathing hard when he finishes. The mask doesn’t help as he tries to catch his breath.

Ethan’s staring at him, wide eyed. Mark has a twinge of regret. Maybe he was too harsh but Ethan has to know better. He wants Ethan to know that it’s a big deal they’re coming back together at all, that Ethan’s putting himself and Mark and Amy and anyone they meet after this at risk.

“Mark…” Ethan’s voice warbles out of him. He looks… Fuck, he looks afraid. Is he afraid of Mark?

“I’m sorry,” Mark sighs. He closes his eyes for a second. “I… I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just… It’s important.”

“Are… Are you messing with me? Because if you are, it’s not funny.” Ethan’s arms are crossed in front of him, nails digging into his skin as he takes a faltering step away from Mark.

Mark’s gaze flicks up to him. “What?”

“Are you trying to scare me? Is this the video? Like when people come off of anesthetic and their parents try to convince them there’s a zombie apocalypse?” Ethan looks around the yard. “Haha, hilarious. Great joke. Where’s Amy?”

“What, no, I’m not trying to trick you, Ethan!” Mark takes a step towards Ethan and he flinches. Mark freezes where he is. His heart sinks as he realizes, finally, what’s happening.

He softens his voice, putting his hands up placatingly, “Ethan, what’s the last thing that you remember?”

“I— I don’t know.” Ethan’s darts wildly around, like he’s still waiting for the camera to come out.

“Do you remember the coronavirus from the news? How it was in China and then it came here?”

“No, what—”

“California’s making the stay at home order?”

“No.”

“All non-essential businesses closing?”

“No.” Panic is flooding into Ethan’s voice but Mark keeps pushing.

“Us making all those quarantine videos?”

“No, Mark! That— That can’t be, we just filmed that video with James Charles so we— we can’t be in quarantine or whatever the hell you’re—”

“Ethan,” Mark makes deliberate eye contact with him. “That was four months ago. You don’t remember anything about the pandemic?”

“No, no, I don’t remember—” Ethan gasps. He drops into a crouch on the ground, clutching his head. “I think… I think I’m going to throw up—”

Mark kneels next to him, hands hovering but not touching. “Try to remember, Ethan. Anything, try to remember anything. I know it’s hard but anything. The pepper spray video, quarantine videos, how you’ve been staying at home. Our Unus Annus videos—”

“Stop,” Ethan groans. 

“I know you’ve been forgetting stuff since we started filming together and you were still editing for me—” 

“Stop,” Ethan begs, curling into himself further.

“Please, I don’t want to lose you like this. You have to remember something from the last few months. You have to—”

Ethan looks up at him and everything in Mark goes cold.

Ethan’s eyes are pitch black, covering all the white and irises, shiny and opaque. His face is slack and emotionless. Thick, charcoal tears drip down his cheeks.

Ethan’s voice is deep and flat and not his voice at all.

_ “He can’t handle this.” _

Mark can’t breath. He can’t move. His voice is barely audible as he whispers raggedly, “Ethan?”

Ethan’s gaze stays fixed on him but his pupils are lost in all the darkness in his eyes.  _ “You have to stop. You’re hurting him.” _

“I’m—” Mark shakes his head. His hands are shaking with unreleased rage, fear, terror. “No, whoever or whatever the fuck you are, you have to get out of him!”

_ “I can’t leave until you stop hurting him,”  _ Ethan’s passive voice says.

Grass rips under Mark’s grip. “I’m not hurting him,” he snarls. “I’m his friend. Who the hell are you?”

There’s still tears welling from Ethan’s eyes. More of them fall as he blinks.

_ “Ethan called me Blank.” _

Mark startles. “Like his ego character? Does… Does he know about you?” Mark stares at Ethan’s face as another voice speaks through him and it’s wrong. He can’t explain how deeply wrong it is.

_ “He doesn’t need to know what I really am. That would hurt him.” _

“What are you talking about?” Mark’s anger floods back into him, vicious and consuming. “Look, I don’t know what you want but you don’t belong in his body! If anything, you’re the one hurting him—”

_ “I’m protecting him.”  _ Another dark tear beads down Ethan’s face. His skin is starting to stain inky black.

Mark wants to shake him but it’s still Ethan’s body. The growl comes from deep in his throat. “From what?”

_ “From the things that hurt him. I make sure he doesn’t have to suffer from them.” _

Something clicks and everything in Mark shifts with the realization. “You’re the reason he can’t remember,” he breathes.

_ “I’m the reason he’s happy,”  _ Ethan intones. He doesn’t disagree though.

“No, no.” Mark grabs Ethan by the collar, pulling him up from the ground. “You’re stealing his memories from him. You’re taking his life away from him! You have to give him back—”

_ “You’re wrong.”  _ Ethan doesn’t flinch, doesn’t try to move away.  _ “The Ethan you know is the one I protected. I have always been here. He won’t be what you’re asking for.” _

Mark bares his teeth. He pulls Ethan closer. “I. Don’t. Care. It would be the real Ethan. He deserves to experience things for himself.”

Ethan tilts his head. His tears drip sideways, stark against his clean white skin.

_ “You don’t understand what you’re asking. I only take the memories that hurt him the most.”  _ Ethan places a hand on Mark’s wrist, the one that’s still wrapped in Ethan’s shirt. Mark tenses.  _ “Are you sure you want him to remember the things he forgot about you?” _

Mark’s heart skips but the words are drawn from his mouth almost involuntarily. “Is that a threat?”

_ “You think you can protect him. You will have to protect him from yourself.”  _ Ethan gives him a slow blink. Tears stream tar black down his face.  _ “I want him to be happy with you. I know he wants that. That is why I will give the memories back to him.” _ Mark goes rigid as Ethan rests a hand against his cheek.  _ “And if you hurt him, he won’t remember it.” _

Mark doesn’t even have time to respond before he hears that familiar sniffle he’s listened to so many times when they’ve recorded. He sees Ethan’s face contort and feels his legs buckle underneath him. Mark grips tighter onto him, lowering him to the ground, keeping a hand on his shoulder and his forearm.

“Mark?” Ethan’s voice trembles but it’s his voice. Mark never thought he would be so happy to hear Ethan’s voice.

“Ethan, thank god.” Mark clutches Ethan into a hug, fuck social distancing. “How do you feel? Are you okay? Do— Do you remember everything?” He holds Ethan at an arm's length to look at him.

“I—” Ethan squeezes his eyes shut before blinking rapidly. Finally he seems to focus on Mark’s face. "I remember," he murmurs. "Um—" 

He suddenly draws away from Mark, pushing himself backwards.

“Ethan?”

“Um—” Ethan struggles to his feet. Mark goes to help him but Ethan shys away. “Don’t—” Ethan starts, then cuts himself off.

Mark swallows and takes a slow step back. He aches to touch Ethan and make sure he’s okay. He watches Ethan take in a halting breath and wipe at his cheeks. Ethan’s own tears are starting to wash away the black, diffusing them like ink blots in water.

“Mark…” Ethan glares at the ground. His hands are visibly shaking. “You… You hate me, why are you—”

“What?” Surprise sends a shock of pain lancing through Mark’s chest. “I— I don’t hate you—”

“Yes, you do!” Ethan’s voice starts to rise. His hands ball into fists but he still won’t look up. “Blank let me forget but you— you fucking hate me. You must have thought I was so dumb, sticking around even when you— you made it so clear you couldn’t stand me.”

Mark can’t breathe, can’t think. What is happening? And Ethan starts to spiral.

“Oh god, how much did I forget—” Ethan presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. “How much did I forget since I came out here? How have I been—” 

Ethan’s nails are digging into his face and Mark has to step in, he just has to. He can’t watch Ethan rip himself apart.

“Ethan, please.” Mark grabs Ethan’s hands and pulls them away from his skin. “I know you forgot about quarantine and— and pepper spray and those must have been traumatic—”

“That— That’s not— No, I forgot so much more before that.” Ethan’s whole body is trembling. The color has drained from his face. “You were so angry at me when I didn’t finish putting up that video and— and that was my fault. I know that was my fault. I must be so annoying to you. That’s why—god, I can’t believe I forgot—you always tell me not to touch you, right? I say I love you and I’ve never heard you say it back. Hell, I— I don’t even think I’ve heard you say you like me.”

Ethan starts to squirm. “Get the hell off me,” Ethan bites suddenly. Mark can’t keep a hold of him. Ethan’s eyes blaze. “Even during your Markiplier Makes videos, you and Tyler were so… so… Why did you keep having me come if you didn’t want me there? I don’t know how I didn’t see it. We were never really friends, were we? You were so— so cruel sometimes and I wanted to impress you so bad.” Ethan takes a sharp inhale. The anger drains from him. The tears start welling in his eyes again. “I wanted to impress you so much but how could I? I forgot all the times you shut me down. I thought… God, you must think I’m so stupid.”

“I don’t,” Mark pleads. He can feel his own eyes starting to burn. Is this somehow all his fault? Is this what Blank meant? Is he the one who Ethan had to be protected from? “Ethan, I had no idea you felt like this. I had… I had no idea I was hurting you. I thought it was just jokes between friends.”

Ethan scowls but it’s fragile, crumbling at the edges. Tears trace down the same paths. “That’s not how I treat my friends.”

And Mark feels the pain of that, burrowing into his veins and his lungs and his heart. He failed Ethan. He brought Ethan out here, all the way across the country from everyone he’s ever known, and he abandoned him. Ethan trusted him to do right by him and Mark had watched over his shoulder as Ethan edited his videos but never gave him any praise, Mark had picked at Ethan’s insecurities for a quick laugh, Mark had made fun of Ethan for doing exactly what Mark told him to do. He hurt Ethan so deeply that Ethan couldn’t bear to think about it. Their entire friendship is leaning on the strength of a lie.

Mark swallows and whispers, “I can be better. Just give me a second chance—”

“It wouldn’t be a second chance.” 

Mark flinches at that. He knows Ethan’s right. He’s had years to build up their friendship to something more equal, something stronger. He’s reminded of every time he’s made fun of Ethan’s looks, Ethan’s talent, Ethan’s channel. All the times Ethan said something nice to him and Mark rebuked it with an insult or a joke. All the times Ethan had reached out to him and Mark had been too busy, so absorbed in his own work that he didn’t take the time to even reply. But this time he knows how Ethan really feels. He knows he can do better, be better.

“Give me another chance. Please,” Mark’s voice drops to a plea. “You’re one of my best friends. I don’t want to lose you. I’m not saying I won’t mess up but I’ll get better. I can be better to you,” he swears. “I will be.”

Ethan’s eyes go distant. His irises darken. When he speaks, Mark hears a hint of Blank, watching, waiting. “He doesn’t trust you.”

“Let me earn his trust.” Mark puts everything he has into his words, all his guilt and desperation and honesty and love. “Let me try to earn yours. I love you. Give me the chance to prove it to you.”

Ethan hesitates and for a second, Mark is sure that Blank is going to take over again, that Ethan’s eyes will go opaque and black and raven tears will drip down his cheeks and he’ll forget they ever had this conversation. Then Ethan blinks and the moment passes.

“You say that,” Ethan murmurs. His nails dig into his forearms. “You make promises all the time though. You’re bad at keeping them.” Ethan hunches in on himself. His nails spasm in deeper. “It’s not just Blank who doesn’t trust you. How am I supposed to trust you?”

If Mark could rip his heart out of his chest, he would. If he could just bleed and bleed and prove to Ethan how much he wants to repair this, he would. Speaking has always been one of his strong suits but this time, the words fail him.

Mark tries softly, “You know me—”

“I do know you, Mark.” Ethan looks at the sky like it will somehow give him answers. “You’re ambitious. You’re driven. And I’ve always admired that about you but it hurts sometimes, you know? Nothing’s ever enough for you. How could I ever be enough for you?” 

Ethan’s cheeks are still damp with tears. The charcoal stains have been washed down to his collar.

Ethan brings his shirt up to wipe at his face. “Sorry,” he mutters. “It’s just… It’s hard knowing that I’ll always come second to your ambition.”

“You’re not second,” Mark insists. His chest tightens, his heart aches, god, what does he have to do for Ethan to believe him? He needs Ethan to believe him.

“Yeah, are you sure?” Ethan chokes out a heartbreaking, watery laugh.

“Of course I’m sure,” Mark pleads.

Ethan suddenly looks at him, eyes flashing. “Prove it then, Mark. Prove it to me.” Mark is about to open his mouth and ask how because he’ll do whatever he has to do to keep Ethan in his life, he’ll do anything, but Ethan answers the question for him. “Don’t upload. For a week. Not here on Unus Annus and not on your own channel. If you really want to prove to me that I’m important to you, stop doing work for once and actually spend time with me.”

Mark can’t help the protest from jumping to his lips. “But—”

“No,” Ethan spits. “Don’t. Don’t come at me with your fucking excuses. You still make plenty of revenue from old videos. You’ve taken breaks before. It’s just a channel, Mark.” Ethan bites at the inside of his cheek. His stance becomes a little firmer. “If you want to prove it to me, we have to spend time together. Just as friends, no videos, no bits and jokes, no cameras.”

Mark’s insides are tearing themselves apart. He loves Ethan but he’s gotten to where he is today because he didn’t back down when the going got tough. People count on him for predictable content. Doesn’t he have an obligation to follow through on that? He’s no stranger to being busy. He tries to rationalize to himself. Surely he and Ethan could spend most of the day together and Mark could still get work done at night.

But that’s not really the point, is it?

Ethan watches him hesitate and gives that same smile, that sad and fragile and hopeless smile. “It’s okay, Mark,” he whispers. “I get it. Really, I do. I— I shouldn’t ask you to change who you are for me. It’s selfish of me.” Ethan’s eyes go misty again. Mark’s not sure he’s stopped crying at all. “I guess I understand you better than I ever have, if you think about it.” There’s another shaky laugh. It stabs into Mark’s heart, fierce and sharp. Ethan scrubs at his eyes. “I understand but if it’s all the same to you, I would rather forget. I would— I would rather not know that this isn’t real. It’s okay that we’re not friends and I know— Fuck, I know I shouldn’t want it like this but I would rather just think we’re friends even if we’re not. I’ve always looked up to you and it would hurt too much to pretend it’s real when it’s not.” Ethan squeezes his eyes shut. “So I’m going to let him come back now. And we don’t have to ever talk about this again.”

“No!” Mark shouts. He grabs Ethan’s wrist. Ethan almost sinks into him but he doesn’t open his eyes. “Ethan, don’t— Blank, whoever you are, don’t do this. I— I can— Please—”

“Don’t be sad, Mark. The old Ethan is going to be back soon,” Ethan breathes against Mark’s chest, forehead pressed to his shoulder.

Mark gathers Ethan closer like he can keep Ethan with him with the sheer force of his embrace.

“That’s not what I want,” Mark cries. He’s nearly sobbing at this point. “Please, that’s not what I want. I’ll— I’ll do it. Just you and me for a week, no videos, no uploads, no anything. Just— Just stay. Please.”

He watches Ethan’s eyes flutter. One second they’re the same as always, the next second fully black, the next second only with his pupils unnaturally dilated.

“You’ll…” Ethan pauses, catching his breath. Out of one eye drips black oil, out of the other streams clear tears. “You’ll do it?”

Mark nods. “I’ll do it.” 

He knows this is the right thing to do. Ethan’s right, it’s just a channel. He’s let his ambition come before his friends so many times. All that success is meaningless if he hurts the people he loves to get it.

“Was it even right of me to ask that of you?” Ethan asks, expression pained. He can’t help questioning himself. “It’s— It’s not really fair of me, is it? You didn’t know. It’s not your fault.”

Mark stops Ethan from saying any more. “It is my fault. I should have been better to you. It’s not wrong to need different things than other people. Than me, even. It’s not wrong to ask for what you need. And if this is what you need and I can make it happen, then I will.”

Ethan’s hand rests over Mark’s heart. Mark knows he can feel the faint beat, the rise and fall of his breaths.

“I just— Fuck.” Ethan turns his head away but not before Mark sees his eyes go completely empty and black. His hands clench at Mark’s shirt as he fights for control. When he looks at Mark again, his eyes are clear. His words are careful. “I’m so scared to try again with you. It hurt so much this time. I… I don’t want to go through it again. I don’t want to have to remember and relive this. If I have to forget again, I would rather forget forever.”

A coil of fear settles in Mark’s rib cage. It will be there for a long time because he knows that unlike Ethan, if he makes another mistake he won’t forget. He will know what he did, what he is responsible for. He will know who was erased from the universe and he will know what the world is missing without Ethan in it.

“I won’t let that happen,” he swears.

Ethan doesn’t nod, doesn’t shake his head. He can’t trust Mark yet but it doesn’t matter. Mark knows what he has to do.

He loves Ethan. He’s not losing anyone else he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming on this little journey with me! Next: Mark and Ethan negotiate their feelings. Feel free to follow the series for the next update!


	4. Chapter 4

00:00:00:00


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